Light

Looking back I can see how the Lord has been preparing my heart for what he is allowing me to experience. Without going into a lot detail, let's just say if I could stay home with my son, I would. My trials are no surprise to God. As if He was trying to say, I know best, and in my soverignty I'm going to allow you to go through this situation. I had a friend at ETBU, Steve, that used to say, "When you can't see God's hand, trust His heart." Those words are ringing so loudly in my ears as I type this.
I've prayed and prayed for wisdom and I guess a miracle, with no change in our current situation. This is the part of my Christian walk I struggle with the most. I don't struggle with God, I struggle with me. I struggle with my pride and all the things I want. I struggle to think life is not about me, I struggle with surrending to God's glory alone. I know the Lord is empathetic to my weaknesses, so I can come boldly before His throne with confidence.
I've been meditating upon Hebrews 4:12 - 16 for the past week or so memorizing it so when thoughts of bitterness or anger start to swell in me, I can say it over and over again wherever I am. It really calms my spirit and gives me hope.
"It (God's Word) judges the attitudes and thoughts of the heart" that verse has really spoken to me. I feel power in it, because it brings to light my thoughts and my attitudes and the fact that my heart is layed barren before God. It tells me that before God created anything, He knew my sin, He knew what He needed to refine in my heart. I feel embarressed at times, but that always gives way to being thankful for His grace and the fact I can come to Him in all humility. Standing there ready to take my hand. There is freedom in Christ, because I don't have to hide. I can say, "Okay Lord you already know, so just tell me where I need to look more like your Son." I don't think anyone is ever really ready to be refined, but God always disciplines those He loves. I'm thankful for the fruit He is producing in my heart...I sure do have a long way to go. But I'd rather be here with Him growing, however slow it may be, than without Him.